I want to share something that is very personal to me and gives you a glimpse of the journey I have been on. I wrote this during the summer of 2016. I was dealing with a lot more than serious health issues, but that is a story for another day. I hope that this post will not only give you a better understanding of who I am and why I have co-created this business at this time, but will help you on your journey. To help you to recognize that if you are going through a rough spot in life, you are not alone. To see that if this woman could go from not being able to get out of bed for years and feeling like I would never be able to, to thoroughly enjoying my life and stepping fully into the life of my dreams, SO. CAN. YOU.
I went to the lake Friday and kayaked for the first time in about a year! I was a little worried that I’d get half way out and be too exhausted to come back, but we took little breaks, pulled up to the shore in a couple of places, rested, enjoyed each other and the scenery AND I made it back. I was so proud of myself.
I woke up yesterday morning feeling exhausted, wanting to do so much and yet unable to do any of it. It’s not new, it’s something I’ve been dealing with for years now. I exert all this energy and then I pay for it by not being able to do anything the next day, lucky just to get out of bed.
And that makes me feel mentally like crap, like it will never end. I will just feel like this forever and then I begin to feel hopeless. I am never going to be able to do what I want to do in this life, I am never going to have energy again. I am never going to get anywhere.
I decided to do a card reading and pulled Regeneration upside down, Truth be Told and No Place like Home upside down. The jist of it is this, I need to allow my old way of thinking to die, it will not serve me as I move forward on this path. I need to be honest with myself and allow myself to be uncomfortable in order to create a new path. When you go down the road less traveled, there are a few more bumps, a few places you must stop to move the logs that have fallen, to climb a few hills… this is what I realized…
My ego, the little girl in me has this need to be seen as a victim, she can’t do anything, can’t do the dream she has, she wants to give up. She is overwhelmed, she wants to just get distracted and forget about what she came here to do. If I continue to listen to that voice, I will continue to go around in circles wishing for something, but never fully putting myself out there to make it come true.
It is time to stand up and not let anything keep me down, even if I keep falling down, I can and will continue to stand back up, brush the dirt off of me and keep moving forward. I may be tired, but I am not dead and the more I move in the direction of my dreams, the more energized I will become.
My ego is afraid of being rejected, my ego is afraid of love being withheld from me, but that is not true. It is never withheld, even if it doesn’t come from the places and faces that I think that it should, it is always around me. Every single person on earth could reject me, that wouldn’t mean that I am unlovable or unworthy, it just means THEY can’t see it. The very fact that I am here means that I am worthy, that I am lovable, that I am deserving of the joy, of the peace, of the LOVE that is available to ALL.
It is time to end the self loathing, the self pity, the self denial. It is time to stop comparing myself to everyone and everything that I think is doing it better than me. They aren’t, I don’t know their circumstances so I can’t know what hides behind their “curtain” of a facebook page, blog, smile, or whatever it is I am using to compare.
The truth is that I am human, I am here to have an experience and I do not have to suffer in order to learn. The truth is that I am just as worthy, just as valuable and have just as much to offer as anyone else who was placed here at this time. The truth is that I can do, be, and have whatever it is that I want to create in this life. The truth is that fear is just another way to hold myself back from all the joy and love I block from entering my life.
It will be uncomfortable, to not stand in the corner anymore, it will be uncomfortable to put myself out there in such a big way, wearing my heart on my sleeve, allowing myself to be vulnerable, naked in front of the world. BUT it is time, I deserve it, my loved ones deserve it, and all the people who need my light in this world deserve it.