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Choose You

Have you ever felt rejected, alone, like no one is there for you? A feeling like your heart may just jump out of your chest, it hurts so intensely. The evidence is stacked up showing you at every turn that no one cares. You try to reach out to tell people that you are struggling, but the words don’t come out, they get caught in your throat. So you sigh and you push the feelings down as far as you can, until a smile can be plastered across your face and you say, nope I’m all good.

But the person on the other end knows you aren’t… or maybe you’re a really good actor/ess and you can fool ‘em. Or with the advent of social media platforms, they can’t ever tell because you only post positive, uplifting, funny, ad nauseam. No matter, any way, you feel even more alone. It’s more evidence that no one cares.

I have been there, it’s something I have honestly struggled with my entire life. I have contemplated suicide and ending my time on this planet more times than I can begin to try to express. I have felt at times that there was not a single being on this planet that cared about me and truthfully, if I didn’t have my children when I did in life, starting at 20, I know I would not be here now.

Growing up as first a military brat, moving from place to place and then a motherless daughter, I often felt like a bag drifting in the wind. No substance, no purpose, no point, no roots, no ties. When people would ask me where I was from, my response was usually, everywhere. I didn’t feel like there was a place that I could call home.

I thank the Universe everyday for my children and for me not giving up on myself. I know now that I have a purpose, that everything that I went through, all the experiences I was gifted, yes, I now call them gifts, were not there to deter me or stop me, but to turn me towards myself. What I mean is that all of the times I felt alone, rejected, if instead of feeling sorry for myself and feeling miserable, I would have realized that that person or experience was not right for me and let them go without all the drama, I could have seen the gifts in the experience, I WOULD have CHOSEN ME. I wouldn’t have been rejected, because I would have chosen me!

What a different experience that is.

I can’t tell you how many times I have broken up with a guy, felt totally awful and even contemplated getting back together or maybe did for a minute, ultimately to break up. Then seen/heard about them years later and feel SO much relief for what could have been. Like, phew I dodged a bullet with that one. They were there to teach me something, and it was NOT that I needed to stay.

When was the last time that you chose you?

How do you even choose you?

You choose you each and every time that you stop looking at a situation as if you are a victim and there is someone outside of you to blame. THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME. Let go of blame. You choose you each time that you take responsibility for yourself and your feelings. No one is doing anything to you. If you are being triggered by someone’s behavior, that doesn’t mean that the other person needs to change for you. You need to deal with your triggers, not try to change anyone else. (I am not talking about harassment, bullying or any kind of abusive situation directed at you, in that case please find a way to remove yourself out of danger.)

I remember years ago, I thought that if I had a problem in my relationship, that the other person was doing something that I didn’t like, I needed to talk to them and they needed to change. Then one day I realized that was futile. How could I make someone else change when I couldn’t even change myself? But I could change. I could slowly work to change me, and not even really me, but my perceptions. So I stopped telling my person that I had a problem with them and I started looking at what my problem was with what they were doing. What I found was that it had really nothing to do with my person and entirely to do with my perspective and beliefs that I held about that behavior. When I started to question those beliefs, they began to unravel.

I began to choose me.

It’s time to choose you.

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